Noah Lemas on Yerba Mate

I don’t do coffee.  Just don’t.  Even in college, when my (then future) wife and friends worked at what would eventually become a Starbucks franchise, and gave away coffee drinks as if they were young college students working at what would eventually become a Starbucks franchise, I didn’t drink coffee.

Caffeine makes me sweat…and something bad, too.  I’m not generally a sweaty guy, but caffeine brings out my sweaty and smelly sides, which wouldn’t really be a such a bad side effect if coffee actually had its intended effect.   But it doesn’t.  I get no “jolt,” no noticeable benefit, just bad cases of stankonia and monkey butt.  I like the smell (of coffee, not monkey butt), and I don’t even mind the taste (of coffee, not monkey butt).  But, for me, it just doesn’t do anything positive, so I long ago gave up trying.

But today I was feeling a bit lethargic, in large part due to a sinus issue that is making my head feel like it’s filled with pressurized air.  I mentioned this to a co-worker, who had battled the same thing over the last couple of days, and  he recommended that I try his blend of Yerba mate as a sort of alternative medicine .

Well, I guess I’m impressionable when it comes to trying to feel better, probably because I’m an absolute sickness wuss, so I decided to try this magical gaucho blend.  I quickly slurped down the contents of a rather strange looking cup, a cup that could certainly never stand on its own (which explains that weird stand thing, I suppose).  Nothing…except an aftertaste similar to the smell of hay, an odd sensation that might have made me feel as though that I had French-kissed a mare…not exactly sure.

So, of course, I had another cup, quickly gulping that liquid hay through a metal straw all in the name of equine envy sinus/sickness relief.  Again nothing…crickets.   Given all of the hype, I expected that I’d end up like Homer Simpson after eating insanity peppers.  No such luck.  Strangely shaped cup, metal straw, and a weird aftertaste, but a head still pounding….and then a ringing in my ears.

Though I’m a Gaucho, it doesn’t seem as though I’d make a very convincing gaucho.  Who knows, maybe it’s an acquired taste…but I can’t help but to be left wondering…what does a gaucho’s horse typically eat?